Understanding the nature of grief
can help us better cope with loss. Grief is a natural, healthy process that
enables us to recover from terrible emotional wounds. William Cowper, the
English hymn writer, said, “Grief is itself medicine.” People may say, “Don’t
cry; your loved one is in heaven.” That may be true, but it’s important to deal
with the very real pain of loss. We should not feel guilty for grieving because
it is a necessary part of God’s pathway to healing.
The grief process is like sailing
across a stormy sea. When we first experience a great loss, we are launched
into a tempest of emotions. We feel surrounded by darkness and heavy waves of
anguish. Comforting words are drowned out by howling winds of sorrow. We feel
lonely and out of control as we are swept toward a new destination in life.
This journey through grief has four
phases:
- Shock – In the days and weeks immediately following a devastating loss, common feelings include numbness and unreality, like being trapped in a bad dream.
- Reality – As the fact of the loss takes hold, deep sorrow sets in, accompanied by weeping and other forms of emotional release. Loneliness and depression may also occur.
- Reaction – Anger, brought on by feelings of abandonment and helplessness, may be directed toward family, friends, doctors, the one who died or deserted us, or even God. Other typical feelings include listlessness, apathy, and guilt over perceived failures or unresolved personal issues.
- Recovery – Finally, there is a gradual, almost imperceptible return to normalcy. This is a time of adjustment to the new circumstances in life.
These phases vary in duration for
each person, so we should not impose a timetable upon anyone. Some people need
a year or two, while others may take less time. Holidays, anniversaries and
birthdays can trigger intense grief, especially the first year.
Healing a broken heart is similar to
healing a broken leg. Rushing the process can actually hinder our long-term
recovery, like removing a cast before the bone is strong enough to bear weight.
Grief that is left unresolved may trigger depression, alcoholism, drug abuse,
or other serious problems.
God’s Viewpoint
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4* says “To
everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to
weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” Many Bible
stories demonstrate how God comforts His people in times of sorrow and loss.
Job clung desperately to God, despite catastrophic loss and unhelpful friends.
David, a man after God’s own heart, openly grieved the death of his son.
Jesus is our best role model for
combining faith and grief, as revealed in John 11:1-45*. When He saw Mary and
Martha in anguish over the death of their brother Lazarus, He wept and groaned.
Although Jesus knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, He still
allowed Himself to feel – and express – the depths of human sorrow.
We can take comfort in knowing that
Jesus has experienced all of our pain, including loss, rejection, betrayal, and
dying. As our Savior and Redeemer, He took all our sins to the cross and
forgives us when we ask. As our Good Shepherd, He leads us safely through “the
valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4*b). Remember, a shadow indicates
that there is a light on the other side!
Deep faith in Christ does not
prevent grief when a believer dies, but it infuses grief with hope! For
Christians, death is a passageway to eternal life (see John 5:24*). Paul said,
“To live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21*b). He also said, “I
want you to know what will happen to the Christians who have died so you will
not be full of sorrow like people who have no hope. For since we believe that
Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus comes,
God will bring back with Jesus all the Christians who have died” (1
Thessalonians 4:13*b-14, NLT).
Well-meaning people may say, “Jesus
took your loved one away,” but that can cause people – especially children – to
be angry at God. 1 Corinthians 15:26* says death is our last enemy. Therefore,
we can say, “Death took our loved one away from us, but Jesus took our loved
one away from death!”
If we don’t know whether our loved
one believed in Jesus, we must simply trust God. The Bible says, “The Lord ...
is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all
should come to repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9*). The thief on the cross turned to
Christ in the last hours of life (see Luke 23:39-43*). We do not know what
happens in a person’s final moments between life and death, but God does – and
He decides who enters His heaven.
The Holy Spirit – also called the
Comforter (see John 14:26*, KJV) – can give us God’s peace, even in the midst
of suffering. Philippians 4:6-7* tells us, “Be anxious for nothing, but in
everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be
made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” The peace of God does
not come from our circumstances, but from drawing close to Him.
Jesus promised, “Blessed are those
who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4*). God beckons us into His
loving arms so He can heal our wounded hearts.
Managing Grief
Grief can affect our thinking,
behavior, emotions, relationships, and health. People may experience
sleeplessness, exhaustion, indigestion, lack of appetite, or memory lapses.
Recognizing that these are common reactions to grief can help us minimize them
by reaching out to friends, joining a prayer group, or asking a pastor or
Christian counselor for assistance.
One of the most difficult tasks for
a bereaved person is adjusting to the new environment without the loved one who
has died or moved away. When is it appropriate to put away a loved one’s
things, make lifestyle changes, or form new relationships? We will find the
answers as time passes and recovery progresses. God will show us His timing and
His direction as we seek Him.
Here are three steps to recovery
- Grieve – Though grief is bitter, we must let sorrow run its natural course. Isaiah 53:3*b describes Jesus as “a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” Denying or repressing pain can lead to emotional problems.
- Believe – We need to put our faith in God’s promises, trusting that our Heavenly Father knows best and that His understanding is perfect. Isaiah 55:9* says, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
- Receive – God desires to give us comfort, but we must reach out and accept it. Through prayer and meditation on His Word, we can find a place in God’s presence where He will wrap His arms around us as a loving father would console a hurting child.
These
are some Scriptures that can bring hope, strength and peace:
Psalms 16, 23, 34, 91
John 14:1-27*
2 Corinthians 5:1-9*
Philippians 4:6-13*
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18*
Revelation 21:1-22*:5
Helping Others Through Grief
The Bible says, “Blessed be the God
... of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able
to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we
ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4*). A silver lining in sorrow’s
dark cloud is that God can use our experiences to reach out to others with
compassion and comfort.
Everyone grieves differently –
depending on personality, religious beliefs, maturity, emotional stability, and
cultural traditions. Here are some general counseling guidelines:
- Ask God for guidance about when to speak and what to say. Use this booklet as a guide.
- Encourage the bereaved person to share his or her feelings, then be a good listener and don’t judge what is said. Romans 12:15*b says, “Weep with those who weep.”
- Avoid platitudes. Let the person feel sorrow without implying that he or she should “cheer up” or “be joyful in the Lord,” as this could give the impression you are questioning the person’s spirituality.
- Don’t push or preach, but if the person indicates an openness, pray and share meaningful Scriptures.
- Do simple things without being asked, such as bringing a meal or mowing the lawn.
Grief will visit our lives many
times because we love others, but the Lord promises to be with us forever, even
in the midst of our darkest hours. God bless you.
If you or someone you love needs
prayer, please call (800) 759-0700.
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